Communication Guidelines For The Collaborative Process

Here are some important things to keep in mind when communicating during the collaborative divorce process:

• Avoid the problem and concerns at hand. Do not attack each other.
• Avoid positions. Instead, express yourself in terms of needs or interests and the outcomes you would like to realize.
• Work for what you believe is the most constructive and acceptable agreement for both you and your family.
• During the team meetings (professionals and both clients will be present) remember the following:
  • • Be respectful of others.
    • Use each other’s first name and avoid “he” and “she.”
    • Do not interrupt when the other client or his or her lawyer is speaking. You, also, will have a full and equal opportunity to speak on every issue presented for discussion.
    • Do not use language that blames or finds fault with the other client. Use noninflammatory or neutral words.
    • Avoid using the terms “fair” and “unfair.” Instead, use words like “acceptable,” “workable,” “agreeable,” and their converses, “unacceptable,” “unworkable,” “not agreeable.”
    • Speak for yourself. Make “I” statements, not “you” statements.
    • State what you observe. (i.e. “I noticed that twice his month times when you were scheduled for the children to be with you and it did not happen.”)
    • State how you feel about what you observe. (i.e. “I feel worried and unhappy about this.”)
    • State what you think about what you observe. (i.e.“I think it is bad for the children to have scheduled time with you that does not happen.”)
    • State what you would like to do about what you observe. (i.e. ”I want you to propose a schedule that could be put into place for visits that would not result in the children being disappointed in that way.”
  • Practice active listening.
    • Listen fully while the other person speaks; avoid planning your reply until the speaker has finished.
    • Try to understand what the other person is saying without being judgmental about the person or the message.
    • Ask for more information on any points that are not completely clear to you.
    • Check out how accurately you understand what the speaker said by restating your understanding in different words.
    • Keep doing these steps until the speaker agrees that you have fully understood what was said.
    • Remember, you can say “I understand” without meaning “I agree.”
  • If you have a complaint, raise your concern and follow up with a constructive suggestion as to how it might be resolved.
  • If something is not working for you, speak up so it can be addressed.
  • Talk with your lawyer about anything you do not understand. Your lawyer can clarify issues for you.
  • Be willing to commit the time required to meet regularly. Be prepared for each meeting.
  • Be patient – delays in the process can happen notwithstanding that everyone is acting in good faith.

Questions About Collaborative Divorce?