Communication Guidelines For The Collaborative Process
Here are some important things to keep in mind when communicating during the collaborative divorce process:
- Avoid the problem and concerns at hand. Do not attack each other.
- Avoid positions. Instead, express yourself in terms of needs or interests and the outcomes you would like to realize.
- Work for what you believe is the most constructive and acceptable agreement for both you and your family.
- During the team meetings (professionals and both clients will be present) remember the following:
-
- Be respectful of others.
- Use each other’s first name and avoid “he” and “she.”
- Do not interrupt when the other client or his or her lawyer is speaking. You, also, will have a full and equal opportunity to speak on every issue presented for discussion.
- Do not use language that blames or finds fault with the other client. Use noninflammatory or neutral words.
- Avoid using the terms “fair” and “unfair.” Instead, use words like “acceptable,” “workable,” “agreeable,” and their converses, “unacceptable,” “unworkable,” “not agreeable.”
- Speak for yourself. Make “I” statements, not “you” statements.
- State what you observe. (i.e. “I noticed that twice his month times when you were scheduled for the children to be with you and it did not happen.”)
- State how you feel about what you observe. (i.e. “I feel worried and unhappy about this.”)
- State what you think about what you observe. (i.e.“I think it is bad for the children to have scheduled time with you that does not happen.”)
- State what you would like to do about what you observe. (i.e. ”I want you to propose a schedule that could be put into place for visits that would not result in the children being disappointed in that way.”
- Practice active listening.
- Listen fully while the other person speaks; avoid planning your reply until the speaker has finished.
- Try to understand what the other person is saying without being judgmental about the person or the message.
- Ask for more information on any points that are not completely clear to you.
- Check out how accurately you understand what the speaker said by restating your understanding in different words.
- Keep doing these steps until the speaker agrees that you have fully understood what was said.
- Remember, you can say “I understand” without meaning “I agree.”
- If you have a complaint, raise your concern and follow up with a constructive suggestion as to how it might be resolved.
- If something is not working for you, speak up so it can be addressed.
- Talk with your lawyer about anything you do not understand. Your lawyer can clarify issues for you.
- Be willing to commit the time required to meet regularly. Be prepared for each meeting.
- Be patient – delays in the process can happen notwithstanding that everyone is acting in good faith.
-
Questions About Collaborative Divorce?
Melissa Fecak, Esq., is experienced in collaborative divorce and can answer your questions. Contact the office at 856-499-8061 to schedule a consultation.
No aspect of this advertisement has been approved by the Supreme Court of New Jersey.